Punchline
by Leather Sky
Summary: For all you Eskimo fans out there. Things begin with Junpei informing Akihiko he has no sense of humor. They progress with an English-speaking showdown and other questionable doings. Do your best, Tsukiko, because Junpei's going for a Home Run. -DONE-
1. First Base

" 'Try lightening the mood a little by making a joke_._'" Junpei shut the book and looked up at Akihiko gravely. "No wonder you're screwed."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Akihiko snatched it away from him. "And you shouldn't go through other people's desks."

Junpei ignored the admonishment and kept poking around through Akihiko's stuff. "Seriously, though? You have no sense of humor. None. Nada."

"I don't need a sense of humor because I can beat you up."

"Oh yeah, I dare you to say that to the next girl you ask out." Junpei came across some of Akihiko's white bandages next. He tore one off and put it on his face roughly in the same place Akihiko had his. "What do you think? Sexy?"

Akihiko sighed and swatted the roll away from Junpei. He put it and the book on 'How to Talk to Girls' back in his drawer and shut it before Junpei could grab anything else. After that Akihiko turned to glare at him but Junpei merely smiled back beatifically. Deflated, he reached for his soda and said, "So…I don't have a sense of humor."

"Nope."

"Fine…" Akihiko finished it off and then crushed the can. "Give me an example of a good joke, then."

"Um…oh, okay. I got one." Junpei closed his eyes and took a breath to heighten the tension. Akihiko leaned forward in spite of himself. Junpei went on dramatically, "What did the leper say to the prostitute?"

"Excuse me?" Akihiko suddenly feared that this was going to be an Inappropriate Joke.

Junpei opened one eye and grinned. " 'Keep the tip.'"

"… … …Yeah, that's not the kind of joke you tell a girl, stupid."

Junpei rubbed his chin. "I always did wonder why Mitsuru-senpai Executed me after I told her that one."

Akihiko looked at him sideways. Sometimes he couldn't tell when Junpei was being serious. Then he sat up suddenly. "Oh! I do know a joke."

"Well spill it, man."

"These three guys walk into a bar."

Junpei nodded encouragingly. "And…?"

"Uh…they all say, 'Ouch.'" Akihiko looked at him hopefully.

Junpei stared at him and then said, "On second thought you can just beat me up."

Akihiko's brows knit together. "Why do you say that?"

"It'd be less painful than hearing another joke like that."

Akihiko reached over and pulled Junpei's hood up so that it came down over his hat and the fur surrounded his face. "I don't have to take that from a fucking Eskimo."

"Racist."

Akihiko stared at Junpei. He almost looked like he was trying not to sneeze, and Junpei instinctively put his arm up to shield his face. Then Akihiko looked down and, unable to hold it in any longer, burst out laughing. Junpei wasn't used to hearing Akihiko laugh and it made him start to laugh too.

After he finally wound down, Akihiko rubbed his eyes and looked back at Junpei. "Okay, so…see? There's hope. I made you laugh."

Junpei shook his head. "That doesn't count. You didn't do anything funny."

"I hate you."

"Me and all my Eskimo kind."

"Oh god…stop it."

Junpei smiled as Akihiko struggled to keep from laughing again. "You know, Senpai…if you really want to impress a girl, just do that."

"Huh?" Akihiko was busy getting his breath back. "Do what?"

"Just be like you are now."

Akihiko frowned. "That's hard, though. I mean, it's easy with you since you act like such an idiot, but it's hard with a _girl_."

Junpei shrugged the hood away and turned his hat around. "Obviously you should go out with me instead."

"You must be losing your touch. That wasn't funny."

Junpei leaned forward and raised his eyebrows. "_It wasn't meant to be._"

The shocked expression on Akihiko's face was so perfect that Junpei savored it for at least twenty seconds before he collapsed onto his side.

"Oh man…the look on your face! Ahahahahaha!"

Akihiko was embarrassed. As with any other strong emotion he didn't immediately know how to respond to, he reacted physically. Junpei had to dodge quickly. They continued to scuffle but Akihiko stopped after he realized that Junpei was probably enjoying himself. While Akihiko was considering what to do next, Junpei suddenly took the offensive.

Akihiko pushed him away violently. "Hey!"

Junpei drew a thumb across his bottom lip and chuckled. "Sorry. You must have infected me with that schoolgirl-under-the-cherry-blossoms expression you had a minute ago."

"I do not look like a schoolgirl!"

"I'm gonna call you 'Tsukiko.' That rhymes, so it should be fine, right?" This time Junpei didn't dodge fast enough.

Junpei was still rubbing his jaw painfully when Akihiko said, "Besides, Eskimos are supposed to rub noses, you idiot."

"Shit, there goes my tribal affiliation."

Akihiko turned away. "I give up."

Junpei grinned. "Well, that's something I've never heard you say. You sure you're feeling okay, Tsukiko?"

"Come a little closer." Akihiko's friendly tone of voice shouldn't have fooled Junpei, but then again he had just been slugged in the face and his brains were still a little rattled. Junpei obeyed.

Akihiko smiled and Junpei, feeling encouraged, even leaned in a little nearer. Then Akihiko reached over and ripped Junpei's bandage off.

Later that night in Tartarus, Minato wondered why part of Junpei's left eyebrow was missing.


	2. Second Base

"I heard part of the examination's going to be oral."

Junpei managed not to snicker at the word "oral" and nodded. "Yeah, that's right."

"Okay, then give me a phrase. Let me see how you do." Akihiko's face was only partially visible over his textbook.

Junpei wracked his brains. "Um…'Hit me baby, one more time.'" He flinched away as the textbook came down on his head. "OW! No, that was the phrase! The phrase!"

"I _know_. I just can't believe you said something that stupid."

"I just can't think of anything…oh! 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.' Ha! There. Awesome, right?" Junpei swelled with pride.

Akihiko wasn't impressed. "Except that it sounded awful."

Junpei scowled. "Yeah, well, why the hell do I need to know how to speak English anyway? It's not like I'm gonna go anywhere I'll have to use it."

"Do you want to pass, or not?"

"…" Junpei knew that Akihiko had him there. He really, _really_ needed to pass this next exam.

"Good. Now, give me another one."

"Um." Junpei cast his mind back through all the American action movies he'd seen. " 'Do you feel lucky, punk?'"

Akihiko's textbook lowered a little. "Hey…I saw that one."

Junpei beamed up at him. "Yeah, wasn't that movie awesome?" He was dismayed when Akihiko smacked him again.

"Dammit Junpei…are movies and music videos the only things rattling around in that stupid head of yours?"

In an injured voice, Junpei muttered, "I thought we had really connected there for a moment, Senpai. Then you ruined it."

"You can't use a sentence like that on a test."

Junpei was scandalized. "It's Dirty fucking _Harry_, man! Come on!"

Akihiko shook his head firmly. "Something else. You guys have had to practice plenty of stupid phrases in class, use one of those if you have to."

"Stupid is right…'_Please pass the salt_.' '_I want him to do his best_.' Christ!" Junpei flopped back onto the carpet irritably.

Akihiko shrugged. "Nobody said studying was fun."

Junpei sat up again and said in English, " _'I hate studying. English sucks.'_"

Akihiko's mouth twitched a little but he managed to keep a straight face. " _'That's too damned bad.'_" His English pronunciation was, of course, nearly perfect.

Junpei wasn't beaten yet, however. " _'I hope you die in a fire.'_"

" '_If you don't knock it off I'm going to kick your ass.'_"

" '_You and what army.'_"

They stopped, glaring at each other. It was a draw. Then Junpei suddenly broke into a grin.

"You know you sound sexy when you curse in another language."

Akihiko sighed and shut his textbook. "…not this again."

"Say 'Me love you long time.' It'll fulfill all my fantasies."

Akihiko's jaw set. "That's it. Say your prayers."

Junpei scooted away quickly. "Kill me now and it'll haunt your permanent record!"

"But it'll fulfill all my fantasies." Akihiko echoed his words with terrifying seriousness. He grabbed Junpei and pinned him up against the wall. "…Any last words?"

Junpei gulped. "Um…'I regret that I only have one life to give for my country.'"

Akihiko's expression lightened. "That was a lot better! See, you can do it if you try."

Junpei just blinked at him. Even though he hadn't been particularly eager to die, he couldn't help being a little disappointed. Akihiko's response felt anticlimactic. "What happened to all that rage?"

Akihiko turned back towards his desk. "You pissed me off for a second but I'm back on track now. Come on, let's move on to the next section."

Junpei tensed up. _Oh god, not more studying. Anything but that._ He hastily yanked Akihiko back and did the one thing that he was absolutely positive would make Akihiko mad at him again. It worked, of course.

Akihiko slammed him back against the wall. "I thought you learned your lesson the first time!"

Junpei regained his breath. "You should know better. Ain't we here studying 'cause I'm a slow learner?"

"That's right." Akihiko gritted his teeth, obviously fighting to reign in his temper. "So let's **study**."

Junpei made his voice serious. "I promise to study hard…if you let me have my wicked way with you first."

Akihiko snapped, "Of course not!" He paused just slightly before he said it, though.

Junpei knew enough by now to recognize a green light when he saw one. There was plenty of more arguing after that, of course, but that just made it fun. After the sun had set outside the window, Junpei was back on the floor and Akihiko was back at his desk. There were a few minor differences this time, though. Akihiko's school tie was missing and Junpei's jacket was lying crumpled up over in the corner.

Akihiko glanced over the next exercise in the textbook. "Okay…give me an example of a rhetorical question."

"That's a question I already know the answer to, right?"

Akihiko nodded.

Junpei shut his eyes and grinned to himself. " 'Was it good for you?'"


	3. Third Base

"I'm thirsty."

"That's nice." Akihiko didn't look up from what he was doing.

"_Really_ thirsty," Junpei said helpfully.

"Uh huh."

Junpei sighed and looked around the room. Hospitality wasn't Akihiko's strong point, apparently, so he'd have to find something himself. He spotted what looked like milk and picked it up. Any port in a storm.

Akihiko had glanced up at Junpei while he was prowling around his room. His eyes widened when he saw Junpei grab his drink. "Oh, _hey_, that's--"

Junpei waved his hand impatiently. "I just want a sip."

Akihiko watched in morbid fascination as Junpei started to drink it. He wasn't surprised a second later when Junpei slammed it down on his desk and started coughing violently. "You're making a mess," he observed mildly.

"_What the hell was that?!_"

"Protein."

"Ugh. How can you stand to drink that stuff?"

"It's an acquired taste." Akihiko finished messing with his gloves and put one on experimentally. "Besides, I need it to build muscle tone."

"_I_ got a real big muscle. Wanna see it?"

Akihiko still had his glove on and he raised it threateningly. Junpei took a step or two back. Satisfied, Akihiko slid the glove off and set it down. "Besides, that's not even a muscle. It's spongy vascular tissue."

Junpei straightened up. "It just so happens I wasn't even talking about that. Get your mind out of the gutter."

"Oh, I'm sorry Junpei. What muscle were talking about, then?" Akihiko put his hands on his knees and gave Junpei his full attention.

"Um…"

"Yeah?"

Junpei cast his mind back over health class in desperation. "The, uh…um…quadratis femoris. Yeah." He was pretty sure that was a muscle.

Akihiko raised his eyebrows. "Oh really. Show it to me, then."

Junpei stuck his bottom lip out. "I don't want to anymore." No way he was going to admit he didn't know where it was.

"But you got me all excited."

Junpei turned away. "Yeah, well, sorry to disappoint you." He was digging around in his pocket to see if he had change for the vending machine when he jumped suddenly and let out a surprised yelp.

Akihiko stepped back. "It's there, by the way."

"Christ, Senpai! Kiss me on the back of the neck when you do that." After Junpei's breathing calmed down a little he glared at Akihiko. "Or at least take me to a movie first. _Something_."

"You do crap like that to me all the time."

" 'Cause you love it."

"…Yeah. Anyway, you're the one who owes me a movie, not the other way around. In fact it's more like about ten movies."

Junpei said nostalgically, "Really? That many?"

"At least."

"Okay Tsukiko, grab your purse and let's go."

Akihiko was confused enough by the abrupt change of subject that he forgot to kill Junpei. "…huh?"

"The movies, _obviously_." Junpei was already vanishing through the door to go get shoes.

Akihiko stuck his head out of the doorway and called after him. "Hey…wait! You said you were really going to study this time!"

"Can't hear you!"

"Son of a bitch," Akihiko muttered, and went to get his jacket.

On the way to the movies, Junpei felt the need to make a long-overdue observation. "You know I've never seen you wear that stupid jacket? Why do you carry it everywhere if you ain't gonna use it?"

"I might get cold."

"How do you even do stuff with only one hand, anyway?"

"It isn't like it's hard…" To illustrate his point, Akihiko dug out his wallet to pay for his ticket.

Junpei shoved past him. "Nuh uh! I said I'd take you." Akihiko looked a little annoyed but didn't say anything, especially after he noticed the guy at the ticket counter looking at them strangely. Junpei turned around triumphantly with the tickets and they went in.

They just managed to get seated before the movie began, which was fine with Akihiko since he hated previews. He got comfortable and shifted his jacket over into his lap. He noticed Junpei staring at him and said irritably, "What?"

"Just wondering why you didn't hang it on the back of your seat."

"Those seats get dirty. Do you have any other stupid questions?" Before Junpei could answer, someone in the row in front of them told them to shut up and their argument halted. Akihiko was glad since he was tired of hearing about his jacket.

He had just gotten into the movie when he started to notice something. His jacket was moving. A second later he hissed and dug his fingers into the armrests and then turned to glare at Junpei. Junpei was staring straight ahead at the screen, of course. Akihiko realized that he looked conspicuous and forced himself to try and watch the movie again, but he wasn't able to focus on it.

As he sank a little deeper into his seat and bit his lip, it occurred to him that there wasn't a good way to tell Junpei to cut it out. If he said something, or grabbed Junpei's arm, it might be noticed. There was nothing for it but to give in and get Junpei back later. At least it was dark. Akihiko's eyes drifted shut and Junpei smiled a little.

After it was over (fortunately it was during a loud action scene) Junpei reclaimed his hand and sucked on the fingers for a minute. Akihiko didn't have the energy to turn, so he just whispered angrily, "I can't believe you did that."

Junpei deliberately misunderstood him. "Wasn't that bad. They say protein's an acquired taste."

"You're dead when we get out of here." Then they were told to shut up again.

Akihiko didn't do anything on the way back to the dorm because he didn't feel like getting arrested, but he was silently planning his revenge the whole way. They had just gotten in when Fuuka stopped them.

"Did you two go to see that new movie?" She asked brightly. "I wanted to see it but I don't think I'll have time now…how did it end?"

Junpei turned to Akihiko. "Yeah, Senpai, tell her. You're so much better at that kind of stuff than me." He went off to his room, leaving Akihiko trapped.

"Uh." Akihiko panicked. For obvious reasons he hadn't noticed anything that had happened after about the first twenty minutes. "Um. …The good guys won."

Fuuka blinked up at him and Akihiko muttered, "Excuse me," and hurried off up the stairs.

He wasn't surprised to find Junpei's door already locked.


	4. Home Run!

"Let's do it." Junpei brought his fist down against his palm with determination.

Akihiko was busy practicing and didn't bother to turn around. "Do what?"

"_It._"

" 'It' what?"

Junpei sighed. "You can be dense sometimes, you know that?"

"Uh huh." Akihiko was only half listening.

"Sex."

"_What?_" Now Akihiko turned around.

Junpei nodded. "Yeah, you heard me."

Akihiko frowned. "Out of the question."

"Aw. …why?"

"Well for one thing, do you even know how?"

" 'Course I do!" Junpei was indignant. "You just…"

Akihiko cut him short. "With a _guy_."

Junpei stretched his legs over the side of the bed. "Well…how different can it be?"

"This conversation's over." Akihiko went back to practicing.

Junpei glared at the back of Akihiko's T-shirt for awhile but that didn't accomplish anything, so he got up and left. After he was gone Akihiko took a deep breath and let it out.

Down in the lobby, Junpei looked around and then went over to the computer. No one used it much these days anyway, so it shouldn't be any big deal if he did a little research on it. He surfed around until he found what he was looking for. First he went pale, then he turned red. _Well,_ he thought, _that's pretty…straightforward._ He jumped when he heard the door and quickly closed everything out.

After that he went back up to his room. The main challenge was going to be talking Akihiko into it. It would have been hard to do anyway, but after the incident at the movie theatre Akihiko was more on his guard than ever. Junpei was determined not to give up, though.

It was several days later in the lobby when Fuuka went over to the computer to check something out. She couldn't remember the site offhand, so she clicked the "History" button. The next thing everyone heard was a blood-curdling shriek.

Mitsuru ran over to her to see what was the matter. When she saw the screen, her face darkened. "_**Who has been using the dorm computer in such a manner?!**_"

Junpei did a quick fade before she swung around. Everyone else blinked at her, including Akihiko. But in his mind, a terrible suspicion was forming. After things settled down in the lounge again, he snuck up after Junpei.

He looked around Junpei's empty room, confused. Then he heard a faint rustling. Akihiko sighed and said, "It's safe. You can come out of the closet, now."

"Shit, did you see that? I almost _did_." Junpei poked his head out and then the rest of him followed it a moment later. "…but she doesn't know it was me, huh?"

Akihiko shook his head and then said, "So you…um…looked it up?"

"Found out all about it," Junpei said coolly.

Akihiko waited. Then he waited some more. Finally, he said, "Well?"

"It's just like with a girl, except you gotta turn around."

Akihiko looked at him warily. "That doesn't even make sense."

Junpei grinned. "I could always show you."

"No thanks."

"Aw come on. I'll do everything."

"If you're going to do everything anyway, you obviously don't need me." Akihiko walked back towards the door.

Junpei looked down. "…if you let me do it, I'll study harder."

"Bullshit."

"Come _on_, Senpai! My academic future is in your hands!" Junpei's voice was pleading.

Akihiko frowned. "_If_ you swear not only to study harder, but to not bug me about it anymore either."

"Oh yeah, I'll ignore you all you want after you put out."

Akihiko looked at him suspiciously, but Junpei only grinned. "Uh…fine, then."

"Whoa, really?"

"Make it quick." Akihiko took his shirt off and then looked doubtfully around for a place to set it down.

"You're no fun." But even as he complained Junpei was fumbling with his buttons.

Akihiko sat on the bed. At least, he was pretty sure it was the bed. "Shut up. You're lucky I'm even doing this."

"Well…that's true. I guess you're a pretty decent guy, really." Junpei put a hand on Akihiko's shoulder and eased him back.

"Thank you." Akihiko said it with dignity. "…what are you doing?"

"Cool it for a second. I gotta concentrate." Junpei had worked his way through both pairs of pants and seemed to be contemplating his next course of action.

Akihiko ignored him. "I thought you said you knew how to do this."

"I do! Pretty much."

"You know what? Forget it. I don't care anymore if you fail your… … …oh."

"Found it."

"Shut up."

Junpei did actually shut up after that, but it was probably just because his mouth was busy. Akihiko didn't tell him to hurry anymore either. Somewhere in the middle of it all things became deadly serious, and as Junpei panted and stared down at Akihiko he knew there was no way he was going to be able to keep the second half of his promise.

Akihiko watched the ceiling flicker past Junpei's shoulder as if he were seeing it through heat distortion. He felt himself moving, and as someone who trusted his body, he obeyed its impulses. He knew that Junpei hadn't expected him to react this much, but he told himself that it was okay because they weren't going to do it again. Then Junpei's teeth brushed up against his chest and Akihiko stopped worrying about how he should react.

About a week later, Akihiko looked up from his textbook. Junpei was to all appearances studying hard, but just to be sure, Akihiko leaned down and took a look in his notebook. When he saw what was in it, he sighed.

"…That's a real nice sketch of a giant robot you have there."

Junpei looked up guiltily. "I was just taking a study break. You know, to recharge my…uh…faculties."

"Your giant robot drawing faculties."

"You don't know, man! I've studied harder this week than I ever have in my life!" Junpei paused and looked down miserably. "…and it sucks."

Akihiko's expression lost a little bit of its severity. "Well…I guess a study break isn't a bad idea."

"Cool, can we do it again?"

After Junpei sustained some minor blunt-force trauma, they did it again.


End file.
